Hallelujah!!

I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father! Whatever was oh-so wrong with me, is either under control or gone! I am sleeping through the night! No more confused night wakings or night terrors! I an no longer hobbling and exhausted by 4 o'clock! And, praise the Lord, I am no longer filled with anxiety and weeping the day away. I am not sure exactly "how" I am better, but I do know that many faithful people have been praying for me (thank you, thank you). He inspired a lot of changes... many of which I could never have done in my own strength. I am on an entirely gluten free and sugar free "anti-Candida" diet! I am even avoiding sugary fruit. I quit my three year long usage of Flonase. And I am taking Prilosec, because it turns out reflux is what was waking me with a jolt! I confess, I didn't believe it myself until I tried not to take it a couple days... and sure enough, I startled awake. Yuck!

I am so thankful for this new lease on life!

Surely, God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, The LORD himself, is my strength and defense; He has become my salvation! Isaiah 12:2

Less Sanity

I have to confess that this year of less is not going anything like I planned.
Less control, less sanity. I can not stop crying. I feel so worthless, so fraudulent, so completely useless.

I want to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. How does that work? I haven't blogged lately because I had hoped that I would share tidbits of wisdom gleaned and offer hope. I have been spending a whole lot of time in the slimy pit. I am waiting (I think). There is not much else you can do when you are stuck in the mud.

On a separate note, there was a beacon of light in my homeschooling tunnel this week. I have been learning about classical education and attended a practicum through Classical Conversations. We are joining one of their community groups this fall. I can hardly wait for school to start! Oh, wait, I guess we should finish this year sometime soon. Good thing we have 2 months!

One thing there is not less of over here.... birdies.

If you think of it... say a prayer that He would make Himself known to me. I don't really want to stop crying without Him.

PS... (a little update July 23) I feel bad leaving this blog sitting here ...so much was left out of this 'wailing' post. I have been having confused night wakings and many other wierd health issues. I have been to the doctor and I have beautiful bloodwork. I changed my diet drastically. No sugar, no gluton, no white carbs, and I have been juicing and eatting lots of greeens. I am for the most part, feeling tons better, thank God. However, I am still having confusion at night. It is so hard to say whether its the cause of my anxiety... or an effect of it! I had a sleep study that showed I have some sort of sleep apnea and am getting low oxygen when on my back...of course I didn't wake confused there... and it wasn't quite low enough to qualify me for a CPAP. The confusion is getting worse and I start awake... in a panic, heart racing over some revealed conspiracy, that quickly fogs over until I have no idea what I was talking about. Last night I had some white basmati rice with my dinner, and over the next few hours a headache and body aches descended (along with the bedtime confusion) Argh! I wish I knew what the deal was. I fear it may be systemic candida and am following a candida diet -aside from the slip up with the rice. So crazy! Anywhoooo, I am working on trusting God through this. He is the sovereign Lord of all.

Isaiah 12:2

2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense[a];
he has become my salvation.”


Psalm 32:7

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.


Another Update: Praise God the nighttime confusion has ceased. I am on a high fat, low carb, gluten/sugar free diet and it has really been a help, taking quite a bit of advice from www.healingnaturallybybee.com. God has been so faithful through all this! I am thankful for this 'refining fire' and it is my prayer that I look more like Him on the other end.

More about Less!

Looks like it really is shaping up to be the Year of Less!

We are moving from about 2500 square feet to about 1100 and I couldn't be more excited. It is so much easier to donate stuff when you know you'll have no place to put it!=) Now instead of going through stuff and picking a few things to give away, we have to go though and pick out a few things to keep!

We are really excited about the little mobile we found and the prospect of moving out to the "3R Ranch" and are hoping all goes as planned... keeping in mind that we make our plans but HE directs our steps. =)

Let the adventure commence!!

Less

Less is a little bit more than I bargained for.

Less Control.

Control is really only an illusion anyway, right?

What if Our Big Plans for LESS aren't the plans He has for us?

Less of me and more of HIM means

• not grabbing the reigns
• learning to listen
• taking a deep breath
• taking it SLOW.

Less means more waiting on the LORD.

I am not so good at waiting on the LORD or listening for His direction. I am generally in a hurry. But I really do want less of me and more of HIM. I want transformation.

So here is my plan for transformation:

2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will.

It would probably help to admit that this is really HIS plan and not mine....
Romans 12:2 (NIV)... maybe that means I am on the right track? =)

Worrying about God's Will.....

Not too long ago we bought some wooded land. In a moment of weakness we offered more than we had said we would. And we got it. Afterwords I was continually beating myself up about it. As much as I loved to go there and enjoy the beauty of God's creation, I was tied up with guilt about what we had done, worrying whether we were in God's will with our purchase and our hopes to move there eventually. I was afraid to move ahead, spending a lot of time looking back instead of forward.

At a woman's retreat in a similar wooded setting I was attempting to spend some alone time with God. I was praying, and shuffling through papers, having trouble deciding what to read from his Word and feeling guilty, frustrated and stressed out! Finally as I tried to find a place indoors to be alone with Him, I found myself sharing a reading room with another of his daughters. I didn't want to make a bunch of distracting noise by shuffling through my stuff so I decided to continue with the Bible Reading Plan I am using. I told God with some sarcasm that probably deserved a lightening bolt, "So, do you think you can speak to me through Joshua?"

And he promptly did. The words jumped of the page. "...How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your ancestors, has given you?"

I was filled with comfort and peace as I laughed and cried at the same time. It was like God said, "Get over yourself! I have given it to you! What are you waiting for?"

I have been learning a lot lately about God's will. I have learned it is not something you are supposed to worry about. Loving and obeying God will keep you there. God is sovereign and can use us even when we mess up, even though we are messed up.

I really learned a lot from John Piper over at DesiringGod.org on the subject. He has a talk you can watch, read or listen to for free: It is called "What Is the Will of God and How Do We Know It?"

Oh... and an added note... the aforementioned link also blessed me with understanding in the difficult area of God's Will during hardship/loss. I bet it would bless you too.

Psalm 73:21-23

Yesterday, I was a boneheaded hardhearted worm. Even so, He never left me. And He was kind enough to remind me this morning.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

and you can't really stop there, because it just gets better...

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

=)

Tummy Trouble 2

As it turns out.... God's answer to our little girl's prayer for healing on the way home from the ER was a reprieve of sorts. He gave us time to recover from the visit to the Wrong ER, so that we would arrive at the Right ER. A week later, the pain was back and it was accompanied by vomiting and lots of it. This time there were no detours on the way to the Children's Hospital.

I have since learned that abdominal adhesions after abdominal surgery are an extremely common complication... in fact they occur in most cases. They just usually don't do any harm. In the worst case, they can cause a complete obstruction of the small bowel. This is what our little girl was experiencing! It took a little while to diagnose, as the adhesions (scar tissue sticking things together that aren't supposed to be stuck together) are not visible in an x-ray or a cat scan. On the CT Scan it was apparent that she had a complete blockage of her small intestine and because the pain is excruciating and the result can be deadly, she underwent invasive exploratory abdominal surgery to find the cause. The culprit was the scar tissue. It had wrapped around and kinked the intestine so that a portion of it was gray and lifeless. Thankfully, upon removal of the scar tissue, the intestine pinked back up! God got us there just in time!

We stayed in the hospital 6 days. Surrounded by nurses and aides that sometimes could have been mistaken for ministering angels. At our previous ER visit to the Nearby Hospital, we encountered only one person in our 4 hour stay who really treated us with kindness and compassion. At this subsequent visit to the Children's hospital we stayed in the ER for about 10 hours and the hospital for 6 days and only met one person who who even rubbed us the wrong way.

This was a hard thing to go through. For me, the hardest thing was helplessly watching my child suffer so incredibly, and then while being beyond exhaustion, trying to grasp what was happening! Hard as it was, we were greatly blessed through it. We got to see our prayers answered, our daughter rescued from her agony. We got to experience the love of God through the body of Christ in action. We were so well cared for! All five of us! They swooped down, cared for the little brothers, fed my family, ran errands, visited us in the hospital, cleaned my house (hallelujah) and prayed without ceasing!

A few things I learned through this experience:

1. After Abdominal Surgery-- watch out for Abdominial Adhesions!

2. I don't always understand what God is doing, but I choose to trust Him anyway.

3. If my child is ever again in too much pain to continue the drive to the Children's Hospital, I will pull over and call an ambulance! Don't take your child the nearest hospital just because it is close. If you have a Children's Hospital available, go there! All hospitals are not well equipped to treat, or deal with kids. If one is not available, a teaching hospital would be my next choice. They offer lots of sets of eyes to look at your situation/ct scans/test results. Magnet awards get old and dusty, I would only weigh that if it were fresh!

1 Chronicles 29:13 (New International Version, ©2011)

13 Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name.


Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version, ©2011)

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.