ack. my friend Bubbles said " I'm definitely interested in hearing your testimony when you have a free minute." and now she can read it when she has a free half hour! hahahaha. =)
I wonder how many people are like me and cringe when people ask about when they came to know Christ as their Savior because they don't really remember the exact moment. When people mention their "Spiritual Birthday" I am exasperated, because I don't think I have one! I wonder if I did it all wrong!
I have always felt like I didn't have a real "faith story". I am beginning to think that I am doing a disservice to Christ and to others who feel like I do by not sharing it anyway! And I have been asked this a couple times in the last few days so maybe I better get better at telling it!
When I was a kid I went to Summer Camp at Rawhide Ranch. Wednesday Night Campfires always started out great.. I loved singing the praise songs, and listening to the stories. Every week when they'd say the prayer to ask Jesus into your heart, I would always say it, but afterward when they would ask you to raise your hand... I never would. I am not sure what it was about that, but that always frightened me. I honestly don't remember talking to my counselor about it. I am not saying I didn't.. just saying I have very foggy/selective memories.
I know sometime when I was a kid I bought myself a Bible. Probably when I got home from camp. I am not sure if I was saved by then. And that has always been the hardest part for me. Most of my life I have been unsure about my salvation. Why was it so hard to accept such a glorious free gift?
Most of the time I felt lost, confused, befuddled, or all three. When I was in High School, I joined the Mormon church. For, I think, three main reasons. First and foremost, I recognized Jesus Christ, as the beautiful Jesus I heard about at Rawhide. Second, the people were very loving and embraced me, so for a time I did not feel so lost, it felt like a family. Third, the Mormons I knew could clearly answer any question I had about their faith. I like to understand things and I like things to make sense. One of the "guarantees" the Mormon church gave was that if you read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it, you could "know" if it was true. Although I read it and prayed this prayer, I did not know. I just believed and hoped. I went to BYU for a year. And basically began to feel tons of guilt about not "knowing". It must be because I am not be being good enough. Their was a tremendous weight on works, and not so much on grace. The summer after that I "fell away". I went back to a Mormon church once. And although I waited to speak to missionaries I had never met, and waited where the asked visitors to wait to be greeted. No one greeted me. I figured this was a "sign" I was in the wrong place. The next part of my life is saddest and most painful to look back at part. I had been a pretty 'good girl" up until then, and had been pretty prideful about it.
Basically, I quickly fell into a sinful and lost life. One of the biggest mistakes I made was putting the characteristics of my earthly imperfect father on my Perfect Heavenly Father. If you asked me about my relationship with God I probably would have told you "we aren't really speaking right now."
Apparently my brother, Mike had some awesome counselors at camp, because he "got it right" the first time. I can remember that even when I was a Mormon, my brother was (and is) one of the most amazing Christians I had ever met.
When I was dating my Husband I remember that he was concerned about my salvation. Thankfully he married me anyway. =) Mike gave us a Bible for our wedding gift. Once again I would go on "bouts" of daily reading. Determined to earn Faith in God through a regimen of reading. I was not reading with an open heart. I was appalled that David was God's Chosen King when he was such a horrible creep! I would basically read the Old Testament until I was frustrated and angry and basically throw in the towel. If I read the new testament I would eventually just start hearing "blah blah blah" as things would go beyond my understanding. We tried to find a church in when we were first married. After a few tries, the experience ended with me in tears saying "never make me go to church again"... even though it had been my idea. =P
Over the years, I was slowly growing my relationship with the Lord, thanks almost exclusively to my amazing brother and sister-in-law, and God's faithfulness. He would not give up on me no matter how many times I gave up on him. Since we did not go to church and most of our closest family are either not Christians or have quit making God a priority in their life, Mike and Holli were my only real life examples of people living for the Lord.
After 8 years of marriage, Andy and I finally decided to start a family.
Children changed my life and amazingly brought me to the Lord's feet. I could not bare for my daughter to struggle with her faith like I had all of my life. I didn't want her to feel my despair. I knew I could not allow this to continue for me or my daughter.
After our sweet girl was born I started reading a commentary that Mike recommended. Jon Courson's Application Commentary. God's Word was suddenly brought to life in a way I had never experienced before. I actually looked forward to reading it! I was learning and growing as I read.
We moved to OKC before our baby girl's first birthday. In Oklahoma City, I found MoPs. MoPs was a huge encouragement to me, and the other ladies I met their encouraged me to join a Bible Study. Within a year we started attending Metropolitan Church as a family. Shortly, thereafter Grampa John in Florida took a downward spiral and Mike and I went out there and brought him back to Oklahoma. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and at the same time best experiences of my life. For the first time in my life I truly felt God was holding me in the palm of his hand. (that story needs to be another blog).
Shortly thereafter we started attending Sunday school. For the first time in my life I am part of a loving Bible-Teaching-Church family. It's been wonderful.
I am sure now that my purpose (and all our purposes) is to glorify the Lord. And more specifically, for me, it is to bring my children up to know and love Him, and I have his promise that if I "train them up in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it."
I am not sure exactly when it happened, but I can say that Jesus Christ is my savior. He bore my sin on the cross. He died and was raised from the dead three days later. I am saved only by His grace, and not by anything I could ever do, other than trusting in Him. Thank the Lord!
....
well there it is, the short version!
thanks for asking. =P
