Less control, less sanity. I can not stop crying. I feel so worthless, so fraudulent, so completely useless.
I want to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. How does that work? I haven't blogged lately because I had hoped that I would share tidbits of wisdom gleaned and offer hope. I have been spending a whole lot of time in the slimy pit. I am waiting (I think). There is not much else you can do when you are stuck in the mud.
On a separate note, there was a beacon of light in my homeschooling tunnel this week. I have been learning about classical education and attended a practicum through Classical Conversations. We are joining one of their community groups this fall. I can hardly wait for school to start! Oh, wait, I guess we should finish this year sometime soon. Good thing we have 2 months!
One thing there is not less of over here.... birdies.
If you think of it... say a prayer that He would make Himself known to me. I don't really want to stop crying without Him.
PS... (a little update July 23) I feel bad leaving this blog sitting here ...so much was left out of this 'wailing' post. I have been having confused night wakings and many other wierd health issues. I have been to the doctor and I have beautiful bloodwork. I changed my diet drastically. No sugar, no gluton, no white carbs, and I have been juicing and eatting lots of greeens. I am for the most part, feeling tons better, thank God. However, I am still having confusion at night. It is so hard to say whether its the cause of my anxiety... or an effect of it! I had a sleep study that showed I have some sort of sleep apnea and am getting low oxygen when on my back...of course I didn't wake confused there... and it wasn't quite low enough to qualify me for a CPAP. The confusion is getting worse and I start awake... in a panic, heart racing over some revealed conspiracy, that quickly fogs over until I have no idea what I was talking about. Last night I had some white basmati rice with my dinner, and over the next few hours a headache and body aches descended (along with the bedtime confusion) Argh! I wish I knew what the deal was. I fear it may be systemic candida and am following a candida diet -aside from the slip up with the rice. So crazy! Anywhoooo, I am working on trusting God through this. He is the sovereign Lord of all.
Isaiah 12:2
2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense[a];
he has become my salvation.”
Psalm 32:7
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Another Update: Praise God the nighttime confusion has ceased. I am on a high fat, low carb, gluten/sugar free diet and it has really been a help, taking quite a bit of advice from www.healingnaturallybybee.com. God has been so faithful through all this! I am thankful for this 'refining fire' and it is my prayer that I look more like Him on the other end.
