Profane Outbursts - And Another Epiphany

Well, so far, since my Winter Summmit Parenting Epiphanies... I only had one really bad day.... that was last Friday. That morning my middle child was refusing to cooperate or obey any simple request) Honestly, I cannot remember all the details due to the haze of emotions (not so much seeing red, as YELLOW). I am sure that he saw his Mama step back into the headlights, although I did not verbalize this. Finally, remember begging "Mama needs a TIME OUT! Mama needs a TIME OUT! I drug him out of my room bodily (by his feet? I think) and closed and locked my door.

He stayed right outside the door (so I know he was safe). I know this because and repeatedly kicked it, indefinitely. I called my husband on the phone and spoke allowed hateful words that I don't think I have ever verbalized about the fruit of my womb before (and hope never again). "I hate that little Bastard!" I wept.

For some reason I have been overly transparent lately... without for really thinking about who I am talking to, or worse, in front of. So, following this trend I loudly confessed this a few hours after it happened while the wound was still fresh, to two dear ladies at Home School PE (one with a precious baby girl on her lap). All this while my four year old was wrapped around my ankle (though thankfully I am quite sure he was oblivious--not that I checked before spilling my guts). And, of course I quoted myself QUITE audibly.

First off, I have to report that I got my period the next day and have been punished by the worst cramps in recent years. I also have not been able to get the looks of my friends sweet faces out of my mind. The Shock and the Horror. I believe it was mostly due to the fact that I just used filthy language at Home School PE (I mean, I am still horrified). But it may be that I used filthy language at all. Or that I could have said such a heinous thing at all about my own precious offspring, let alone repeated it. So anyway, I have been feeling bad about it. And thinking on it quite a bit. I am so thankful more little ears were not in range! I am regretting the "spillage" both the first (to my husband) and the second (the inappropriately timed confession), but wondering mostly, "Where on earth did that come from in the first place, I mean after all... he is my deeply loved child... and I am married to his father!?"

I have been reading a lovely (and some might say strange, though not I) combination of To Train Up a Child, Grace Based Parenting, Love and Logic and Scream-Free Parenting. All of which, I believe, are full of gems of Biblical wisdom (whether or not they quote scriptures). In recent days a lot verses about discipline have been brought to my attention by the former. And through His Word, I believe God answered my question.

In Hebrews chapter 12, starting about verse 5, the author talks all about how God disciplines His children and that, in fact, those He does not discipline are his illegitimate children (some versions actually use 'bastard'). The Message softens it to educate, while the KJV uses scourge! Proverbs 13:24 tells us that not correcting our child's behavior is not showing love to our child but is the opposite. I like the NET translation: "The one who spares his rods hates his child, but the one who loves his child is diligent in disciplining him." Let's face it. I have been inconsistent in training my children. No wonder in a moment of passion I could say, "I hate that little bastard". I have been treating Him like that!!

Now in case this was unclear in anyway. I love my children. I adore them. I would die to protect them. However, in my selfishness, I have not been treating them the way a loving mother should. I hope if I yelled, "Freeze!" to protect my child from danger (whether it be an oncoming car or an approaching coyote) that my children will stop in their tracks. At this point, I have not trained very well. =/ What if there is not time to say "Freeze!!! Please Freeze! (Insert Child's Full Name Here), look at me.... In the eyes... Please... stop... moving. NOW!"

Anywhooooooo. So we are working on a couple things starting this week at 3RAcademy. The kids focus is first time obedience. The coolest thing about first time obedience, is that as a parent...you don't even have a chance to get mad. Consequences on the first offense. No time for the mounting annoyance of a child who repeatedly refuses to obey. Mommy's focus is on proper use of her tongue.

Proverbs 29:11 KJV
A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

Proverbs 31:26 KJV
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Proverbs 21:23 KJV
Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

Winter Summit Epiphanies

I have been home educating my 3 kiddos for just over a year. Mothering is without question the hardest thing I have ever done... and I guess I would call home educating a mothering marathon. Last year at the Winter Summit I heard that God probably didn't call me to home educate in order to work on my kids...but to refine me... to bring me to the "End of Myself". I don't think I really got that at the time. But just a couple weeks ago I was pretty sure I was there. I was certainly at the end of my rope. I was crying out to Jesus. Really wailing. And flooded by hopeless and destructive thoughts. I was filled with panic, doubt and despair.

A faint ray of hope was on the horizon: The Homeschool Mom Winter Summit. And I wasn't holding anything back. I tearfully shared my parenting debacles with other mothers; desperate I was for advice.

I had my parenting epiphany late Saturday evening at home (thanks in part to a sweet lady who stopped to encourage me right before I left the summit). I realized that I have been undermining my kids security. My middle child has been thinking his Mom can't handle him... and he has been checking and checking and checking and proving it to himself repeatedly that mom can't handle because he is so bad. =( Sunday morning I told everyone at breakfast... that I have very good news...God has given me a gem of wisdom that this weekend and that is that he has fully equipped me to handle my kids and that I know what to do with them. And that is confidently LOVE them in a way that makes them feel secure, which includes, at time, loving correction.

God had seemed so far away before the summit and so silent as I was barraged with fear and doubt, despair and destructive thoughts. A prayer room was provided at the Summit, fully equipped with prayer warriors to come along side. I had peaked in a few times but all the PWs were occupied with other Moms. In the chapel I suddenly realized it was nearly over and I hadn't gotten what I needed most. I ran out of the meeting in hopes of finding a Titus 2 Woman to pray for me. Evenutally I found this sweet lady (or rather she found me) I let it all out. I shared, I sobbed, I shouted. This lovely lady shared with me and prayed powerfully. And since then, I have felt His hope rising in me.

Here is my next epiphany. I realized that although I was crying out in desperation to Jesus, I did not have my eyes on Him at all! Focusing only on my weakness and helplessness and not on His strength and provision, I was blatantly refusing to put my hope in Him. I am so glad to be unstuck from that place. That place was not a place of LESS (my word for this year) of me and more of Him, but a place of complete and utter Self Absorption! Dying to self is the ultimate in LESS, right? Only I don’t believe that dying to self is a slow painful death — that painful part? — I was desperately clinging to self and I didn’t even realize it! And when I let go of that and focused on the Holy One and His plans to finish the good work he started in me, I had my first big taste of freedom in Christ.

The Year of Less

I love this... one word thing.... my friend Nikkie over at Another Turn of the Page got me excited about Alece's idea ... one word rather than a resolution.... a word.

After thought and prayer...

This is the Year of Less. Less stuff in my closet, Less food on my plate, Less crap on my calendar, Less of me and more of HIM.

A couple days after being introduced to Grit and Glory's One word... I ran into A holy Experience and was equally inspired to Name the Year with my One Word!

Better Run! For me Less includes time "dying on computer". =D

Jumping Off that Train

My hubby started suggesting home schooling now and then, to which I would mutter something under my breath like, ‘then you do it,” or “bite me”. He would suggest it when we heard stories of school violence. He would suggest it when our daughter would come home ‘surly’. He would suggest it when he saw his friends with older kids immersed in the Sports Culture of Oklahoma. He would suggest it when I voiced concern over theories being taught as truth in schools. So finally after much stubborn resistance, I started to really think about it.

I remember coasting through school, never being challenged, and only occasionally being interested. I got good grades (many thanks to the curve), but I was confused. Mostly I unsure about God, the Universe and Everything. I stayed confused for a long, long time. I used to go to summer camp at Rawhide Ranch where I heard I little bit of the truth of Jesus Christ, usually at Wednesday night campfire. Afterwords, as I went on through life attempting to follow Christ, the Bible didn’t seem to jibe with the ‘truth’ I grew up learning; namely popular theories like Evolution, Humanism, The Big Bang, and ‘Many Paths to God’. I wonder if it would have been different if I went to Christian School and grew up with a Christian World View instead of a Secular World View? I am certain it would have been; my old world view is still baggage I carry!

As soon as I became a Mom, I knew that my number one goal in parenting was to impart faith in Jesus Christ to my kids. I do not want them on the long hard and brokenhearted road to nowhere I traveled before I finally chose the narrow path. I love them more than life, why would I not illuminate the path I hope they will choose to walk?

As second grade began, I began thinking more and more about how on I could ensure my daughter learned the truth when she was away from me from 8 hours every day. When she gets home she doesn’t want to spend the remaining 4 hours until bedtime with me (which stinks because I want to spend it with her). She wants to play outside and with her friends!

Our town has great schools as far as public schools go, but I really have had no clue what is going on since day one. I want my kids to learn the truth of the history of our great nation and its founding fathers. The more I research, the more I realize that doesn’t happen at public school anymore. I want my children to be taught Biblical and historical truth. And that Truth exists!

I see my friends with older kids constantly shuttling kids from different schools to different sports practices and games. They have nary a moment to breath, let alone to pass on wisdom, or teach by example or have a deep conversation or enjoy a meal around the table as a family. We are not there yet but we are on the same train! I realized it is not too late. It’s not going so fast we can’t jump off (and even if it were –we could still jump – I just reckon it would hurt a bit more)!

After much of research and prayer and getting that peaceful easy feeling that comes from on High. I have become certain that at this time, this is God’s will for OUR FAMILY. We are jumping off the train. =)

What I heard in the Word...

Just a few days ago I finally made good on my promise to start journaling as I read my Bible. Yesterday was the most special time spent in the Word I have ever had. I have never quite had a Bible reading experience like this before. This is in no way intended as a political commentary. Please don’t interpret it as such. I just wanted to share my experience in God's Word.

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Yesterday before I sat down to read my One Year Bible, I began to pour out my heart telling God what He already knows is on my heart. I wrote as I prayed:

“I am so afraid about the political situation – I know I shouldn’t be—to God be the Glory! I should be trusting Him! I am praying our nation would turn back to her godly origins and that as a nation we would repent. I am praying that God will deliver us from this president (who I know He is using as His pawn!) and from the Hellish agenda. I am afraid of the future of/in this nation for those that love God and I’m praying that I (and my family) would be faithful. It is terrifying that the President has his eye on my precious boys. Please Lord help me train them up in the way they should go. Please Lord hold my kiddos tightly. Engrave us on Your palm!”

In Isaiah 49 God says “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...” I have loved the phrase since first hearing it… the idea that God holds on to us so tightly that we are etched onto his palm…marvelous!"

After jotting down my heartfelt prayer in complete distress, I began to read from the One Year Bible (that’s the New Living Translation, by the way). I am currently a day behind – and don’t go thinking, ‘wow, she is disciplined’ – I started in early November. This is my first attempt (without giving up!?) to read the entire Bible and my first time reading Isaiah.

Isaiah 51 began by grabbing my attention “Listen to me, all who hope for deliverance – all who seek the Lord!” I just prayed for deliverance!

Now I am no Bible scholar, but I count myself among God’s chosen people. I believe that when we gentiles choose to accept God’s free gift of salvation through Christ, we are ‘grafted’ into His family tree. So when the Bible says, ‘Yo Abraham!’ ‘Hey Jacob!’ ‘Yo Israel!’ or ‘Hey Zion!’ I am all ears.

I read on…

“4 “Listen to me, my people.
Hear me, Israel,
for my law will be proclaimed,
and my justice will become a light to the nations.
5 My mercy and justice are coming soon.
My salvation is on the way.
My strong arm will bring justice to the nations.
All distant lands will look to me
and wait in hope for my powerful arm.

At this point I copied those verses down in my journal and wrote prayerfully, “Lord, I am waiting in hope for your powerful arm!”

Then in verse 6 God reminded me to keep my eye to the sky! That this is earthly life is not where my focus should be.

In verse 7 I was reminded of my fear of reproach from my non-Christian friends (not that any of them have done or said a single thing to deserve this, this is just a major issue for me personally…and in part why I felt I should go ahead and post this since I really felt like sharing it).

In verse 9, I heard my own plea repeated, “Wake up, wake up, O LORD! Clothe yourself with strength! Flex your mighty right arm!”

In verses 12-16 God continued to speak straight to my heart. He reminded me that He is my comforter. This was especially touching because of the sweet reprieve God has given me over the last couple days, even while our home is still wracked with illnesses, the dark feeling of despair is gone. I have been filled with hope! Then He lovingly addressed my fear and overwhelming dread about our nation's leader. He called me out on my fear of man, reminding me that He is the Creator and the LORD of Heaven’s Armies. He reminds me that He will (and has already) overcome the world. Most precious of all, verse 16, He reminded me that, just as I had asked, He has hidden me safely in his hand!

12 “I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.
So why are you afraid of mere humans,
who wither like the grass and disappear?
13 Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator,
the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy
and laid the foundations of the earth.
Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors?
Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies?
Where is their fury and anger now?
It is gone!
14 Soon all you captives will be released!
Imprisonment, starvation, and death will not be your fate!
15 For I am the LORD your God,
who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar.
My name is the LORD of Heaven’s Armies.
16 And I have put my words in your mouth
and hidden you safely in my hand.
I stretched out[d] the sky like a canopy
and laid the foundations of the earth.
I am the one who says to Israel,
‘You are my people!’”

MOPS – What’s the point?

MOPS stands for Mothers of Pre-Schoolers (that’s moms of from newborn to kindergarten). But what is MOPS all about? MOPS is about bringing Moms closer to Jesus Christ. Moms of little ones are in a unique period of life, with its own unique struggles and sometimes intense feeling of aloneness, much of which eventually fade into memories of cherished chubby cheeked cherubs. But when you are in it, you are IN IT. It’s a time of life when that God-shaped hole in our heart cries out to be filled. Lost moms are ready to be found! Whether it is because they have no clue about God’s free gift of salvation, because they’ve wandered from the path, or because they are just going through the motions; lost moms are ready to be found. When a lost mom is found all of Heaven rejoices. And just think — due to her influence on her family — of all the potential for celebration!! Why come to MOPS when I am not lost? A MOPS group needs Moms who love Jesus, who are willing to reach out — just across the table — to a mom who needs a shoulder, a hug, a friend, and the Savior.

Looking back at my first MOPS

In early 2003 my family moved to OKC from T-town, my hubby and I had a 6 month old baby girl and we didn’t know a soul. We’d been married 8 years and we’d only gone to church a handful times. Mostly we were uncomfortable and intimidated. Andy was disillusioned about Christianity due to the party-tonight-repent-tomorrow attitude of the church he grew up in and I had asked Jesus into my heart at countless campfires at  Rawhide Ranch camp when I was a kid, but basically I was confused and lost, and I had a longing to raise my daughter so that she wouldn’t be.
 
When we moved here, my husband was taking a new job and I was beginning my new career as a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to meet other moms. My mom told me about MOPS (a neighbor had told her about it), so I looked it up online, and found Metropolitan MOPS.
 
I found MOPS to be warm and welcoming… and the speakers inspiring. My daughter was lovingly rocked by a precious MOPPETS worker. It was her first time away from me and though it was hard for both of us, I was felt comfortable that she was secure and loved. The meeting was great. I think I painted a picture frame –that still, six years later, proudly displays a picture of our family in her room. We munched on breakfast and heard a dear lady share about friendship. I was eventually invited to my first Bible Study by someone in my small group, and within a few months, our family began attending church at MBC. Our lives have changed so much for the better, we have grown so much here! I pray that God will keep on growing us into a closer relationship with Him. And I believe He will!

You know what? My story is not unique! Last Year, six MOPS Moms came to a Bible Study on Thursday mornings. For at least one, it was the first one she’d ever been to. God uses MOPS to draw Moms to Him. And I am sooo thankful!