Soooo, 2013 in review? I really hit rock-bottom spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Onward to 2014.
Spending all day every day together couldn't be good for any of us, especially the kiddos. I was no example of living by the Spirit, the only fruit in my life was bitterness, impatience and discontent. So after MANY tears/prayer we put the kids in public school this semester. The verse in Luke about leaving everything and "hating" your family in order to follow Jesus really spoke to me. I want to truly follow Christ -- you know -- the One whose "Yoke is easy and burden, light!" I have to find LIFE and LIFE to the full in order to share it with those around me. Only then will I be able to bless my family and others! I felt like God was speaking to my heart, "Trust Me with your kids and come follow Me". I decided my word for the year would be JESUS and I would let NOTHING get between us.
Just a week after school started I went on a women's retreat. That first night I knelt with some other ladies praying for a return to the joy of His salvation. I felt like I was crying out from the pit, so great was the depth of my despair. Then quite suddenly, right there in the midst of my sorrow, it came! I was filled with God's love -- I can't remember ever being rescued so rapidly! Bursting full of love -- and straight from the pit of Hell! I was skipping through the retreat center.
Upon coming home .... my circumstances were still there and I have had to work to take every negative thought captive. I decided I wanted to focus on JESUS and less on my so-called rights. I started reading the Gospels, and also a book called "Speaking of Jesus". This book really spoke to me. It spoke to me about how simple the gospel is and how we as Evangelical Christians (and the like) have added to it, just like the Pharisees added to the Law. And how much I have BLOWN it trying to share Jesus by trying to share a doctrinal plan of salvation when HE IS THE PLAN.
Months ago I was talking with a new friend and had mentioned my favorite part of the Narnia Series in 'The Last Battle". And he dared me to read "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. I think I chickened out at the time, because in the dare he might have mentioned heresy or something. Regardless I decided to triple dog dare myself and now there would be no turning back.
This book knocked my socks off. I feel like the scales fell away from my eyes. GOD is greater and more glorious than I ever imagined. It turns out HE is just Who I always wanted Him to be, and who He said He was. GOD IS LOVE. You may be saying, "Duh." But some of what I had been taught left me with contrary feeling in my gut and an enormous burden on my shoulders. Reading this book I was BLIND-SIDED by God's Love. After I finished the chapter on hell, I bawled my eyes out --WITH JOY!. I had been in a personal hell the last several months (years?!), and He had died to rescue me from it. After finishing this book I feel like I just got the Good News! And I did. I really did. Before I read this book, I honestly felt somewhere deep down like the Good News was really bad news masquerading as good news. But it's not! It's the BEST NEWS EVER. I know that in evangelical circles this book is highly taboo, but I was BLIND and now I SEE the goodness of God. Some reviews on Amazon chide this book saying Rob Bell is obviously a Universalist. I read it twice and I did not get that at all. The other complaints are that it somehow diminishes the power of the cross. Really? For me the cross just got a whole lot more powerful. And my savior more lovely than I ever imagined. I don't agree with every sentence in this book, but I have been telling Jesus for years that I want to be head over heels crazy about Him. And now, I AM.
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
My Complete Lack of a Spiritual Birthday
ack. my friend Bubbles said " I'm definitely interested in hearing your testimony when you have a free minute." and now she can read it when she has a free half hour! hahahaha. =)
I wonder how many people are like me and cringe when people ask about when they came to know Christ as their Savior because they don't really remember the exact moment. When people mention their "Spiritual Birthday" I am exasperated, because I don't think I have one! I wonder if I did it all wrong!
I have always felt like I didn't have a real "faith story". I am beginning to think that I am doing a disservice to Christ and to others who feel like I do by not sharing it anyway! And I have been asked this a couple times in the last few days so maybe I better get better at telling it!
When I was a kid I went to Summer Camp at Rawhide Ranch. Wednesday Night Campfires always started out great.. I loved singing the praise songs, and listening to the stories. Every week when they'd say the prayer to ask Jesus into your heart, I would always say it, but afterward when they would ask you to raise your hand... I never would. I am not sure what it was about that, but that always frightened me. I honestly don't remember talking to my counselor about it. I am not saying I didn't.. just saying I have very foggy/selective memories.
I know sometime when I was a kid I bought myself a Bible. Probably when I got home from camp. I am not sure if I was saved by then. And that has always been the hardest part for me. Most of my life I have been unsure about my salvation. Why was it so hard to accept such a glorious free gift?
Most of the time I felt lost, confused, befuddled, or all three. When I was in High School, I joined the Mormon church. For, I think, three main reasons. First and foremost, I recognized Jesus Christ, as the beautiful Jesus I heard about at Rawhide. Second, the people were very loving and embraced me, so for a time I did not feel so lost, it felt like a family. Third, the Mormons I knew could clearly answer any question I had about their faith. I like to understand things and I like things to make sense. One of the "guarantees" the Mormon church gave was that if you read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it, you could "know" if it was true. Although I read it and prayed this prayer, I did not know. I just believed and hoped. I went to BYU for a year. And basically began to feel tons of guilt about not "knowing". It must be because I am not be being good enough. Their was a tremendous weight on works, and not so much on grace. The summer after that I "fell away". I went back to a Mormon church once. And although I waited to speak to missionaries I had never met, and waited where the asked visitors to wait to be greeted. No one greeted me. I figured this was a "sign" I was in the wrong place. The next part of my life is saddest and most painful to look back at part. I had been a pretty 'good girl" up until then, and had been pretty prideful about it.
Basically, I quickly fell into a sinful and lost life. One of the biggest mistakes I made was putting the characteristics of my earthly imperfect father on my Perfect Heavenly Father. If you asked me about my relationship with God I probably would have told you "we aren't really speaking right now."
Apparently my brother, Mike had some awesome counselors at camp, because he "got it right" the first time. I can remember that even when I was a Mormon, my brother was (and is) one of the most amazing Christians I had ever met.
When I was dating my Husband I remember that he was concerned about my salvation. Thankfully he married me anyway. =) Mike gave us a Bible for our wedding gift. Once again I would go on "bouts" of daily reading. Determined to earn Faith in God through a regimen of reading. I was not reading with an open heart. I was appalled that David was God's Chosen King when he was such a horrible creep! I would basically read the Old Testament until I was frustrated and angry and basically throw in the towel. If I read the new testament I would eventually just start hearing "blah blah blah" as things would go beyond my understanding. We tried to find a church in when we were first married. After a few tries, the experience ended with me in tears saying "never make me go to church again"... even though it had been my idea. =P
Over the years, I was slowly growing my relationship with the Lord, thanks almost exclusively to my amazing brother and sister-in-law, and God's faithfulness. He would not give up on me no matter how many times I gave up on him. Since we did not go to church and most of our closest family are either not Christians or have quit making God a priority in their life, Mike and Holli were my only real life examples of people living for the Lord.
After 8 years of marriage, Andy and I finally decided to start a family.
Children changed my life and amazingly brought me to the Lord's feet. I could not bare for my daughter to struggle with her faith like I had all of my life. I didn't want her to feel my despair. I knew I could not allow this to continue for me or my daughter.
After our sweet girl was born I started reading a commentary that Mike recommended. Jon Courson's Application Commentary. God's Word was suddenly brought to life in a way I had never experienced before. I actually looked forward to reading it! I was learning and growing as I read.
We moved to OKC before our baby girl's first birthday. In Oklahoma City, I found MoPs. MoPs was a huge encouragement to me, and the other ladies I met their encouraged me to join a Bible Study. Within a year we started attending Metropolitan Church as a family. Shortly, thereafter Grampa John in Florida took a downward spiral and Mike and I went out there and brought him back to Oklahoma. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and at the same time best experiences of my life. For the first time in my life I truly felt God was holding me in the palm of his hand. (that story needs to be another blog).
Shortly thereafter we started attending Sunday school. For the first time in my life I am part of a loving Bible-Teaching-Church family. It's been wonderful.
I am sure now that my purpose (and all our purposes) is to glorify the Lord. And more specifically, for me, it is to bring my children up to know and love Him, and I have his promise that if I "train them up in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it."
I am not sure exactly when it happened, but I can say that Jesus Christ is my savior. He bore my sin on the cross. He died and was raised from the dead three days later. I am saved only by His grace, and not by anything I could ever do, other than trusting in Him. Thank the Lord!
....
well there it is, the short version!
thanks for asking. =P
I wonder how many people are like me and cringe when people ask about when they came to know Christ as their Savior because they don't really remember the exact moment. When people mention their "Spiritual Birthday" I am exasperated, because I don't think I have one! I wonder if I did it all wrong!
I have always felt like I didn't have a real "faith story". I am beginning to think that I am doing a disservice to Christ and to others who feel like I do by not sharing it anyway! And I have been asked this a couple times in the last few days so maybe I better get better at telling it!
When I was a kid I went to Summer Camp at Rawhide Ranch. Wednesday Night Campfires always started out great.. I loved singing the praise songs, and listening to the stories. Every week when they'd say the prayer to ask Jesus into your heart, I would always say it, but afterward when they would ask you to raise your hand... I never would. I am not sure what it was about that, but that always frightened me. I honestly don't remember talking to my counselor about it. I am not saying I didn't.. just saying I have very foggy/selective memories.
I know sometime when I was a kid I bought myself a Bible. Probably when I got home from camp. I am not sure if I was saved by then. And that has always been the hardest part for me. Most of my life I have been unsure about my salvation. Why was it so hard to accept such a glorious free gift?
Most of the time I felt lost, confused, befuddled, or all three. When I was in High School, I joined the Mormon church. For, I think, three main reasons. First and foremost, I recognized Jesus Christ, as the beautiful Jesus I heard about at Rawhide. Second, the people were very loving and embraced me, so for a time I did not feel so lost, it felt like a family. Third, the Mormons I knew could clearly answer any question I had about their faith. I like to understand things and I like things to make sense. One of the "guarantees" the Mormon church gave was that if you read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it, you could "know" if it was true. Although I read it and prayed this prayer, I did not know. I just believed and hoped. I went to BYU for a year. And basically began to feel tons of guilt about not "knowing". It must be because I am not be being good enough. Their was a tremendous weight on works, and not so much on grace. The summer after that I "fell away". I went back to a Mormon church once. And although I waited to speak to missionaries I had never met, and waited where the asked visitors to wait to be greeted. No one greeted me. I figured this was a "sign" I was in the wrong place. The next part of my life is saddest and most painful to look back at part. I had been a pretty 'good girl" up until then, and had been pretty prideful about it.
Basically, I quickly fell into a sinful and lost life. One of the biggest mistakes I made was putting the characteristics of my earthly imperfect father on my Perfect Heavenly Father. If you asked me about my relationship with God I probably would have told you "we aren't really speaking right now."
Apparently my brother, Mike had some awesome counselors at camp, because he "got it right" the first time. I can remember that even when I was a Mormon, my brother was (and is) one of the most amazing Christians I had ever met.
When I was dating my Husband I remember that he was concerned about my salvation. Thankfully he married me anyway. =) Mike gave us a Bible for our wedding gift. Once again I would go on "bouts" of daily reading. Determined to earn Faith in God through a regimen of reading. I was not reading with an open heart. I was appalled that David was God's Chosen King when he was such a horrible creep! I would basically read the Old Testament until I was frustrated and angry and basically throw in the towel. If I read the new testament I would eventually just start hearing "blah blah blah" as things would go beyond my understanding. We tried to find a church in when we were first married. After a few tries, the experience ended with me in tears saying "never make me go to church again"... even though it had been my idea. =P
Over the years, I was slowly growing my relationship with the Lord, thanks almost exclusively to my amazing brother and sister-in-law, and God's faithfulness. He would not give up on me no matter how many times I gave up on him. Since we did not go to church and most of our closest family are either not Christians or have quit making God a priority in their life, Mike and Holli were my only real life examples of people living for the Lord.
After 8 years of marriage, Andy and I finally decided to start a family.
Children changed my life and amazingly brought me to the Lord's feet. I could not bare for my daughter to struggle with her faith like I had all of my life. I didn't want her to feel my despair. I knew I could not allow this to continue for me or my daughter.
After our sweet girl was born I started reading a commentary that Mike recommended. Jon Courson's Application Commentary. God's Word was suddenly brought to life in a way I had never experienced before. I actually looked forward to reading it! I was learning and growing as I read.
We moved to OKC before our baby girl's first birthday. In Oklahoma City, I found MoPs. MoPs was a huge encouragement to me, and the other ladies I met their encouraged me to join a Bible Study. Within a year we started attending Metropolitan Church as a family. Shortly, thereafter Grampa John in Florida took a downward spiral and Mike and I went out there and brought him back to Oklahoma. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and at the same time best experiences of my life. For the first time in my life I truly felt God was holding me in the palm of his hand. (that story needs to be another blog).
Shortly thereafter we started attending Sunday school. For the first time in my life I am part of a loving Bible-Teaching-Church family. It's been wonderful.
I am sure now that my purpose (and all our purposes) is to glorify the Lord. And more specifically, for me, it is to bring my children up to know and love Him, and I have his promise that if I "train them up in the way they should go, when they are old they will not depart from it."
I am not sure exactly when it happened, but I can say that Jesus Christ is my savior. He bore my sin on the cross. He died and was raised from the dead three days later. I am saved only by His grace, and not by anything I could ever do, other than trusting in Him. Thank the Lord!
....
well there it is, the short version!
thanks for asking. =P
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)