Less Sanity

I have to confess that this year of less is not going anything like I planned.
Less control, less sanity. I can not stop crying. I feel so worthless, so fraudulent, so completely useless.

I want to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. How does that work? I haven't blogged lately because I had hoped that I would share tidbits of wisdom gleaned and offer hope. I have been spending a whole lot of time in the slimy pit. I am waiting (I think). There is not much else you can do when you are stuck in the mud.

On a separate note, there was a beacon of light in my homeschooling tunnel this week. I have been learning about classical education and attended a practicum through Classical Conversations. We are joining one of their community groups this fall. I can hardly wait for school to start! Oh, wait, I guess we should finish this year sometime soon. Good thing we have 2 months!

One thing there is not less of over here.... birdies.

If you think of it... say a prayer that He would make Himself known to me. I don't really want to stop crying without Him.

PS... (a little update July 23) I feel bad leaving this blog sitting here ...so much was left out of this 'wailing' post. I have been having confused night wakings and many other wierd health issues. I have been to the doctor and I have beautiful bloodwork. I changed my diet drastically. No sugar, no gluton, no white carbs, and I have been juicing and eatting lots of greeens. I am for the most part, feeling tons better, thank God. However, I am still having confusion at night. It is so hard to say whether its the cause of my anxiety... or an effect of it! I had a sleep study that showed I have some sort of sleep apnea and am getting low oxygen when on my back...of course I didn't wake confused there... and it wasn't quite low enough to qualify me for a CPAP. The confusion is getting worse and I start awake... in a panic, heart racing over some revealed conspiracy, that quickly fogs over until I have no idea what I was talking about. Last night I had some white basmati rice with my dinner, and over the next few hours a headache and body aches descended (along with the bedtime confusion) Argh! I wish I knew what the deal was. I fear it may be systemic candida and am following a candida diet -aside from the slip up with the rice. So crazy! Anywhoooo, I am working on trusting God through this. He is the sovereign Lord of all.

Isaiah 12:2

2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense[a];
he has become my salvation.”


Psalm 32:7

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.


Another Update: Praise God the nighttime confusion has ceased. I am on a high fat, low carb, gluten/sugar free diet and it has really been a help, taking quite a bit of advice from www.healingnaturallybybee.com. God has been so faithful through all this! I am thankful for this 'refining fire' and it is my prayer that I look more like Him on the other end.

Profane Outbursts - And Another Epiphany

Well, so far, since my Winter Summmit Parenting Epiphanies... I only had one really bad day.... that was last Friday. That morning my middle child was refusing to cooperate or obey any simple request) Honestly, I cannot remember all the details due to the haze of emotions (not so much seeing red, as YELLOW). I am sure that he saw his Mama step back into the headlights, although I did not verbalize this. Finally, remember begging "Mama needs a TIME OUT! Mama needs a TIME OUT! I drug him out of my room bodily (by his feet? I think) and closed and locked my door.

He stayed right outside the door (so I know he was safe). I know this because and repeatedly kicked it, indefinitely. I called my husband on the phone and spoke allowed hateful words that I don't think I have ever verbalized about the fruit of my womb before (and hope never again). "I hate that little Bastard!" I wept.

For some reason I have been overly transparent lately... without for really thinking about who I am talking to, or worse, in front of. So, following this trend I loudly confessed this a few hours after it happened while the wound was still fresh, to two dear ladies at Home School PE (one with a precious baby girl on her lap). All this while my four year old was wrapped around my ankle (though thankfully I am quite sure he was oblivious--not that I checked before spilling my guts). And, of course I quoted myself QUITE audibly.

First off, I have to report that I got my period the next day and have been punished by the worst cramps in recent years. I also have not been able to get the looks of my friends sweet faces out of my mind. The Shock and the Horror. I believe it was mostly due to the fact that I just used filthy language at Home School PE (I mean, I am still horrified). But it may be that I used filthy language at all. Or that I could have said such a heinous thing at all about my own precious offspring, let alone repeated it. So anyway, I have been feeling bad about it. And thinking on it quite a bit. I am so thankful more little ears were not in range! I am regretting the "spillage" both the first (to my husband) and the second (the inappropriately timed confession), but wondering mostly, "Where on earth did that come from in the first place, I mean after all... he is my deeply loved child... and I am married to his father!?"

I have been reading a lovely (and some might say strange, though not I) combination of To Train Up a Child, Grace Based Parenting, Love and Logic and Scream-Free Parenting. All of which, I believe, are full of gems of Biblical wisdom (whether or not they quote scriptures). In recent days a lot verses about discipline have been brought to my attention by the former. And through His Word, I believe God answered my question.

In Hebrews chapter 12, starting about verse 5, the author talks all about how God disciplines His children and that, in fact, those He does not discipline are his illegitimate children (some versions actually use 'bastard'). The Message softens it to educate, while the KJV uses scourge! Proverbs 13:24 tells us that not correcting our child's behavior is not showing love to our child but is the opposite. I like the NET translation: "The one who spares his rods hates his child, but the one who loves his child is diligent in disciplining him." Let's face it. I have been inconsistent in training my children. No wonder in a moment of passion I could say, "I hate that little bastard". I have been treating Him like that!!

Now in case this was unclear in anyway. I love my children. I adore them. I would die to protect them. However, in my selfishness, I have not been treating them the way a loving mother should. I hope if I yelled, "Freeze!" to protect my child from danger (whether it be an oncoming car or an approaching coyote) that my children will stop in their tracks. At this point, I have not trained very well. =/ What if there is not time to say "Freeze!!! Please Freeze! (Insert Child's Full Name Here), look at me.... In the eyes... Please... stop... moving. NOW!"

Anywhooooooo. So we are working on a couple things starting this week at 3RAcademy. The kids focus is first time obedience. The coolest thing about first time obedience, is that as a parent...you don't even have a chance to get mad. Consequences on the first offense. No time for the mounting annoyance of a child who repeatedly refuses to obey. Mommy's focus is on proper use of her tongue.

Proverbs 29:11 KJV
A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

Proverbs 31:26 KJV
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Proverbs 21:23 KJV
Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

Winter Summit Epiphanies

I have been home educating my 3 kiddos for just over a year. Mothering is without question the hardest thing I have ever done... and I guess I would call home educating a mothering marathon. Last year at the Winter Summit I heard that God probably didn't call me to home educate in order to work on my kids...but to refine me... to bring me to the "End of Myself". I don't think I really got that at the time. But just a couple weeks ago I was pretty sure I was there. I was certainly at the end of my rope. I was crying out to Jesus. Really wailing. And flooded by hopeless and destructive thoughts. I was filled with panic, doubt and despair.

A faint ray of hope was on the horizon: The Homeschool Mom Winter Summit. And I wasn't holding anything back. I tearfully shared my parenting debacles with other mothers; desperate I was for advice.

I had my parenting epiphany late Saturday evening at home (thanks in part to a sweet lady who stopped to encourage me right before I left the summit). I realized that I have been undermining my kids security. My middle child has been thinking his Mom can't handle him... and he has been checking and checking and checking and proving it to himself repeatedly that mom can't handle because he is so bad. =( Sunday morning I told everyone at breakfast... that I have very good news...God has given me a gem of wisdom that this weekend and that is that he has fully equipped me to handle my kids and that I know what to do with them. And that is confidently LOVE them in a way that makes them feel secure, which includes, at time, loving correction.

God had seemed so far away before the summit and so silent as I was barraged with fear and doubt, despair and destructive thoughts. A prayer room was provided at the Summit, fully equipped with prayer warriors to come along side. I had peaked in a few times but all the PWs were occupied with other Moms. In the chapel I suddenly realized it was nearly over and I hadn't gotten what I needed most. I ran out of the meeting in hopes of finding a Titus 2 Woman to pray for me. Evenutally I found this sweet lady (or rather she found me) I let it all out. I shared, I sobbed, I shouted. This lovely lady shared with me and prayed powerfully. And since then, I have felt His hope rising in me.

Here is my next epiphany. I realized that although I was crying out in desperation to Jesus, I did not have my eyes on Him at all! Focusing only on my weakness and helplessness and not on His strength and provision, I was blatantly refusing to put my hope in Him. I am so glad to be unstuck from that place. That place was not a place of LESS (my word for this year) of me and more of Him, but a place of complete and utter Self Absorption! Dying to self is the ultimate in LESS, right? Only I don’t believe that dying to self is a slow painful death — that painful part? — I was desperately clinging to self and I didn’t even realize it! And when I let go of that and focused on the Holy One and His plans to finish the good work he started in me, I had my first big taste of freedom in Christ.