I have been home educating my 3 kiddos for just over a year. Mothering is without question the hardest thing I have ever done... and I guess I would call home educating a mothering marathon. Last year at the Winter Summit I heard that God probably didn't call me to home educate in order to work on my kids...but to refine me... to bring me to the "End of Myself". I don't think I really got that at the time. But just a couple weeks ago I was pretty sure I was there. I was certainly at the end of my rope. I was crying out to Jesus. Really wailing. And flooded by hopeless and destructive thoughts. I was filled with panic, doubt and despair.
A faint ray of hope was on the horizon: The Homeschool Mom Winter Summit. And I wasn't holding anything back. I tearfully shared my parenting debacles with other mothers; desperate I was for advice.
I had my parenting epiphany late Saturday evening at home (thanks in part to a sweet lady who stopped to encourage me right before I left the summit). I realized that I have been undermining my kids security. My middle child has been thinking his Mom can't handle him... and he has been checking and checking and checking and proving it to himself repeatedly that mom can't handle because he is so bad. =( Sunday morning I told everyone at breakfast... that I have very good news...God has given me a gem of wisdom that this weekend and that is that he has fully equipped me to handle my kids and that I know what to do with them. And that is confidently LOVE them in a way that makes them feel secure, which includes, at time, loving correction.
God had seemed so far away before the summit and so silent as I was barraged with fear and doubt, despair and destructive thoughts. A prayer room was provided at the Summit, fully equipped with prayer warriors to come along side. I had peaked in a few times but all the PWs were occupied with other Moms. In the chapel I suddenly realized it was nearly over and I hadn't gotten what I needed most. I ran out of the meeting in hopes of finding a Titus 2 Woman to pray for me. Evenutally I found this sweet lady (or rather she found me) I let it all out. I shared, I sobbed, I shouted. This lovely lady shared with me and prayed powerfully. And since then, I have felt His hope rising in me.
Here is my next epiphany. I realized that although I was crying out in desperation to Jesus, I did not have my eyes on Him at all! Focusing only on my weakness and helplessness and not on His strength and provision, I was blatantly refusing to put my hope in Him. I am so glad to be unstuck from that place. That place was not a place of LESS (my word for this year) of me and more of Him, but a place of complete and utter Self Absorption! Dying to self is the ultimate in LESS, right? Only I don’t believe that dying to self is a slow painful death — that painful part? — I was desperately clinging to self and I didn’t even realize it! And when I let go of that and focused on the Holy One and His plans to finish the good work he started in me, I had my first big taste of freedom in Christ.
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