Thursday, June 16, 2011

Less Sanity

I have to confess that this year of less is not going anything like I planned.
Less control, less sanity. I can not stop crying. I feel so worthless, so fraudulent, so completely useless.

I want to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. How does that work? I haven't blogged lately because I had hoped that I would share tidbits of wisdom gleaned and offer hope. I have been spending a whole lot of time in the slimy pit. I am waiting (I think). There is not much else you can do when you are stuck in the mud.

On a separate note, there was a beacon of light in my homeschooling tunnel this week. I have been learning about classical education and attended a practicum through Classical Conversations. We are joining one of their community groups this fall. I can hardly wait for school to start! Oh, wait, I guess we should finish this year sometime soon. Good thing we have 2 months!

One thing there is not less of over here.... birdies.



If you think of it... say a prayer that He would make Himself known to me. I don't really want to stop crying without Him.

PS... (a little update July 23) I feel bad leaving this blog sitting here ...so much was left out of this 'wailing' post. I have been having confused night wakings and many other wierd health issues. I have been to the doctor and I have beautiful bloodwork. I changed my diet drastically. No sugar, no gluton, no white carbs, and I have been juicing and eatting lots of greeens. I am for the most part, feeling tons better, thank God. However, I am still having confusion at night. It is so hard to say whether its the cause of my anxiety... or an effect of it! I had a sleep study that showed I have some sort of sleep apnea and am getting low oxygen when on my back...of course I didn't wake confused there... and it wasn't quite low enough to qualify me for a CPAP. The confusion is getting worse and I start awake... in a panic, heart racing over some revealed conspiracy, that quickly fogs over until I have no idea what I was talking about. Last night I had some white basmati rice with my dinner, and over the next few hours a headache and body aches descended (along with the bedtime confusion) Argh! I wish I knew what the deal was. I fear it may be systemic candida and am following a candida diet -aside from the slip up with the rice. So crazy! Anywhoooo, I am working on trusting God through this. He is the sovereign Lord of all.

Isaiah 12:2

2 Surely God is my salvation;
I will trust and not be afraid.
The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense[a];
he has become my salvation.”


Psalm 32:7

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.


Another Update: Praise God the nighttime confusion has ceased. I am on a high fat, low carb, gluten/sugar free diet and it has really been a help, taking quite a bit of advice from www.healingnaturallybybee.com. God has been so faithful through all this! I am thankful for this 'refining fire' and it is my prayer that I look more like Him on the other end.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

More about Less!


Looks like it really is shaping up to be the Year of Less!

We are moving from about 2500 square feet to about 1100 and I couldn't be more excited. It is so much easier to donate stuff when you know you'll have no place to put it!=) Now instead of going through stuff and picking a few things to give away, we have to go though and pick out a few things to keep!

We are really excited about the little mobile we found and the prospect of moving out to the "3R Ranch" and are hoping all goes as planned... keeping in mind that we make our plans but HE directs our steps. =)

Let the adventure commence!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Less


Less is a little bit more than I bargained for.

Less Control.

Control is really only an illusion anyway, right?

What if Our Big Plans for LESS aren't the plans He has for us?

Less of me and more of HIM means
  • not grabbing the reigns
  • learning to listen
  • taking a deep breath
  • taking it SLOW.
Less means more waiting on the LORD.

I am not so good at waiting on the LORD or listening for His direction. I am generally in a hurry. But I really do want less of me and more of HIM. I want transformation.

So here is my plan for transformation:

2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will.

It would probably help to admit that this is really HIS plan and not mine....
Romans 12:2 (NIV)... maybe that means I am on the right track? =)

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Worrying about God's Will.....

Not too long ago we bought some wooded land. In a moment of weakness we offered more than we had said we would. And we got it. Afterwords I was continually beating myself up about it. As much as I loved to go there and enjoy the beauty of God's creation, I was tied up with guilt about what we had done, worrying whether we were in God's will with our purchase and our hopes to move there eventually. I was afraid to move ahead, spending a lot of time looking back instead of forward.

At a woman's retreat in a similar wooded setting I was attempting to spend some alone time with God. I was praying, and shuffling through papers, having trouble deciding what to read from his Word and feeling guilty, frustrated and stressed out! Finally as I tried to find a place indoors to be alone with Him, I found myself sharing a reading room with another of his daughters. I didn't want to make a bunch of distracting noise by shuffling through my stuff so I decided to continue with the Bible Reading Plan I am using. I told God with some sarcasm that probably deserved a lightening bolt, "So, do you think you can speak to me through Joshua?"

And he promptly did. The words jumped of the page. "...How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your ancestors, has given you?"

I was filled with comfort and peace as I laughed and cried at the same time. It was like God said, "Get over yourself! I have given it to you! What are you waiting for?"

I have been learning a lot lately about God's will. I have learned it is not something you are supposed to worry about. Loving and obeying God will keep you there. God is sovereign and can use us even when we mess up, even though we are messed up.

I really learned a lot from John Piper over at DesiringGod.org on the subject. He has a talk you can watch, read or listen to for free: It is called "What Is the Will of God and How Do We Know It?"

Oh... and an added note... the aforementioned link also blessed me with understanding in the difficult area of God's Will during hardship/loss. I bet it would bless you too.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Psalm 73:21-23

Yesterday, I was a boneheaded hardhearted worm. Even so, He never left me. And He was kind enough to remind me this morning.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.


and you can't really stop there, because it just gets better...

24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

=)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Tummy Trouble 2

As it turns out.... God's answer to our little girl's prayer for healing on the way home from the ER was a reprieve of sorts. He gave us time to recover from the visit to the Wrong ER, so that we would arrive at the Right ER. A week later, the pain was back and it was accompanied by vomiting and lots of it. This time there were no detours on the way to the Children's Hospital.

I have since learned that abdominal adhesions after abdominal surgery are an extremely common complication... in fact they occur in most cases. They just usually don't do any harm. In the worst case, they can cause a complete obstruction of the small bowel. This is what our little girl was experiencing! It took a little while to diagnose, as the adhesions (scar tissue sticking things together that aren't supposed to be stuck together) are not visible in an x-ray or a cat scan. On the CT Scan it was apparent that she had a complete blockage of her small intestine and because the pain is excruciating and the result can be deadly, she underwent invasive exploratory abdominal surgery to find the cause. The culprit was the scar tissue. It had wrapped around and kinked the intestine so that a portion of it was gray and lifeless. Thankfully, upon removal of the scar tissue, the intestine pinked back up! God got us there just in time!



We stayed in the hospital 6 days. Surrounded by nurses and aides that sometimes could have been mistaken for ministering angels. At our previous ER visit to the Nearby Hospital, we encountered only one person in our 4 hour stay who really treated us with kindness and compassion. At this subsequent visit to the Children's hospital we stayed in the ER for about 10 hours and the hospital for 6 days and only met one person who who even rubbed us the wrong way.


This was a hard thing to go through. For me, the hardest thing was helplessly watching my child suffer so incredibly, and then while being beyond exhaustion, trying to grasp what was happening! Hard as it was, we were greatly blessed through it. We got to see our prayers answered, our daughter rescued from her agony. We got to experience the love of God through the body of Christ in action. We were so well cared for! All five of us! They swooped down, cared for the little brothers, fed my family, ran errands, visited us in the hospital, cleaned my house (hallelujah) and prayed without ceasing!

A few things I learned through this experience:

1. After Abdominal Surgery-- watch out for Abdominial Adhesions!

2. I don't always understand what God is doing, but I choose to trust Him anyway.

3. If my child is ever again in too much pain to continue the drive to the Children's Hospital, I will pull over and call an ambulance! Don't take your child the nearest hospital just because it is close. If you have a Children's Hospital available, go there! All hospitals are not well equipped to treat, or deal with kids. If one is not available, a teaching hospital would be my next choice. They offer lots of sets of eyes to look at your situation/ct scans/test results. Magnet awards get old and dusty, I would only weigh that if it were fresh!


1 Chronicles 29:13 (New International Version, ©2011)

13 Now, our God, we give you thanks,
and praise your glorious name.


Isaiah 55:8-9 (New International Version, ©2011)

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tummy Trouble

The Story of One Little Girl's Appendectomy and Mama's Lessons Learned

A week ago last Sunday, my darling eight year old daughter complained of a tummy ache. Having just come from birthday party at a public indoor swimming pool, I thought that was the culprit. In the morning, she complained of a tummy ache and nausea -- and their was a lot of that going around. Needless to say, I was not alarmed. When I called the pediatrician's office to discuss rescheduling an appointment due to her "tummy bug", I "accidentally" pressed 2 for the nurse hotline instead of the choosing the scheduling option. The nurse insisted on asking questions and I relayed them to my daughter, who just awakened from a long nap. I felt my eyes widen at each answer… not the answers I was expecting. The nurse instructed us to go immediately to the emergency room. I asked if we should head to Nearby Hospital (which is closer, with our pediatrician next-door but a limited pediatrics department) or to the more distant but more specialized Children's Hospital. We headed to Children's as advised.

In the car it became evident; this was no tummy bug. Every nook and cranny in the road was agonizing to my daughter. By the grace of God, we arrived at the Children's ER (he even provided a phone call from a dear friend to guide us to the entrance-- which stealthily evaded the rest of the friends and family who came later).



Our girl was brave. The IV and the Ultrasound were both difficult and terribly painful but she lay as still as possible for each and only occasionally whimpered while tears rolled down her cheeks. The staff was outstanding. They made us feel cared for and loved. It was hard to watch her suffering, but I felt God's peace. The tests confirmed appendicitis and a laparoscopic appendectomy was scheduled for first thing in the morning. He had providentially brought us to the hospital in plenty of time, so I figured He had the surgery covered. After morphine knocked out the pain and tylenol the fever, she slept well.

The surgery went smoothly and she felt good afterwards and ate and drank. They sent us home the same day in order to beat an incoming snow storm.


At home she continued to feel good. She wasn't interested in pain medicine. She was moving around more than I expected. A friend came over to play board games and sit with her and they kept flitting here and there until we gave up on that idea and sent the friend home. A couple hours later, about 30 hours after the surgery, she started complaining that it was hurting. I administered the narcotic the doctor prescribed. A couple hours later she was still suffering. I administered the ibuprofen they suggested to rotate with the narcotic. She just wasn't getting relief. I called the hospital a few times and we decided to wait and see.

At 4 am she finally fell asleep. She basically snoozed till noon the next day. She still complained of a tummy ache but nothing like the night before, until a little later in the evening when it began to worsen. I called and talked to the pediatric surgeon resident on call. He said "a little pain after surgery is to be expected". There was nothing little about this pain. Finally, our little girl was crying out and asking to go to the hospital. That was the final straw.

So we headed back to the ER, the ride was so unbearable she screamed in agony and vomited. Neither of us could bear the long ride to Children's so we diverted to the Nearby Hospital. A precious friend hopped in the car on the way with a barf bowl.
The reception at Nearby Hospital was cold. Perhaps these people have seen so much pain and suffering they have hardened their hearts. My formerly stoic daughter was no longer quietly suffering. She was screaming and begging for help. Finally, they took us back. Thankfully, the IV went in this time without a hitch. The PA was 'sweetly antagonistic', repeatedly pointing out to my daughter that their were no tears in her eyes. The nurse was firm but pleasant. Sadly, she was soon replaced by a joyfully named nurse who would have been more aptly named "Disdain".

We were told that the pain was likely due to all the air they pumped into her tummy for laparoscopic surgery trying to find its way out. A cat scan confirmed it. We later learn that for many people the pain of the air finding its way out is worse than any other pain they have felt during their ordeal. One friend, a mother of three, said it was the worst pain in her life!

As the time went by it was obvious that the pain medicine was wearing off, although thankfully she was still in a sleepy, albeit whimpering, calm. I asked the nurse if she would please be so kind as too administer some more pain medicine before we left to ease the 15 minute ride home, explaining that through this ordeal, the rides in the car have so exacerbated her pain that I feared we'd arrive home in far worse shape than before we headed to the hospital, and with no relief in sight. I can't remember her exact cold words. Something that indicated it was highly unlikely the provider would allow it. And there was something about "tough love". My daughter kept whimpering that she didn't want anymore medicine pain. That's the only reason I didn't pounce on the doctor and demand it.

And so we headed home. The ride hurt so bad she vomited again. She was in agony and crying out frantically to God to heal her. My heart was breaking. "God! Please heal me! Why won't you heal me!?" She wailed as I drove. Pleading silently with the LORD to answer her, and at the same time plagued with groanings of 'Why'. Why did we make this nightmarish trip to the hospital and all this pain and suffering and all for nothing? And then suddenly it was so quiet I thought she must be asleep, but when I backed down the driveway and crunched in the frozen snowdrift she ask, "are we stuck?" Daddy carried her in and tucked her in our bed. She told me God answered her prayer and then drifted off to sleep.

I fully expected her reprieve to be temporary. (Oh me of little faith!) But the next morning she was walking upright for the first time since the surgery and acting like a brand new girl. I had to repeatedly request that she stop skipping! She has had no pain since.

I was touched by the way God answered both our prayers. Both for her relief from pain and my groanings of why. God showed me how he could use this miserable trip to the ER for good. My sweet girl and I experienced a glorious answer to our prayers that neither of us will ever forget.

I am so thankful to the Great Physician, Jehova Rapha, and all the medical personnel he provided to help with our precious daughter's care.

On a medical note. Here are things that I would do different next time:

1. Ask more questions about what to expect after the surgery. I'd pose these questions to both doctors, nurses and to friends and family who might have gone through the same thing. I really didn't ask much, and they really didn't say much. I wish we were prepared for, or even aware of, he possibility of the air after the surgery being so incredibly painful. (***I don't really think they are that incredibly painful. My follow up post 'Tummy Trouble 2" tells the story of our return trip to the Children's Hospital the a week later for tremendous pain and complete bowel obstruction caused by abdominal adhesions--a complication I wish I had heard about!).

2. Ask more questions about how long we can stay after surgery. We got a letter a few days after the surgery from the insurance company showing that we were allowed to stay in the hospital for 5 days. If we had just stayed three we would have been in the loving comfort of the Children's Hospital when the severe pain hit. I had a twinge about leaving the hospital after the surgery when we did. She was resting so peacefully in that comfy bed with the beautiful hand made pillowcase they had given her. She even said she wanted to stay there and sleep!

3. Ask for more questions about drugs and their side effects. After the surgery, my daughter was prescribed a narcotic called Lortab for pain. This narcotic that was supposed to help ease her suffering (and it really didn't seem to help when she was in severe pain), but as a side effect, I was told it would make the bowels sluggish…. which is the opposite of what needed to happen after surgery. The doctor at the Nearby ER recommended Levsin instead as it is supposed to be helpful in that area. I can't testify to it's helpfulness since she was already feeling better by the time the prescription was filled.

LESSON's LEARNED:

1. God is faithful;
He really does work all things for good for those who love Him!

2. Ask More Questions!